


Myself I Keep

by Diary



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alliances, Alternate Season/Series 04, Bechdel Test Fail, Brothers, Canon Character of Color, Canon Disabled Character, Conversations, Disturbing Themes, Episode AU: s04e06 The Laws of Gods and Men, F/M, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Torture, Late Night Conversations, POV Female Character, POV Shae, Post-Season/Series 03 AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 08:58:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5999899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diary/pseuds/Diary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. “You wanting me to weep for you- congratulations, you got that, and you didn’t have to die for it.” Complete.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Myself I Keep

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Game of Thrones.

“This man stands accused of murdering King Joffrey. What do you know of this?”

Silence fills the court, he looks at her with his hopeful, pleading, apologetic eyes, and she wishes she had- Well, she tells herself, wishing for the past is something for the weak, not the strong.

Finally, she answers, “I wasn’t here when the king died, but from what I know of Tyrion Lannister, he’s not guilty.”

The sound he lets out is almost a cry and so full of relief she can almost forgive him.

Stupid boy for so clever a man, he is.

Why, she despairs with anger running through her, am I about to die for you?

It’s not too late, a calming voice surfaces in her head. I can still-

Sansa pops into her head.

The sweet girl who treated her so kindly and continued to dream so grandly even when all the world was against her, she would die for her, but she knows she isn’t. Hopefully, the girl is somewhere safe.

Right now, she’s about to try to keep her promise not to let anyone kill her lion, even though he isn’t hers and kept none of his promises in the end.

Live and suffer, and-

Once, she decided she’d die old and gray.

Once, she would have had the sense not to love anyone.

“Lady Sansa wouldn’t dishonour her father by committing such a treasonous act." Trying not to shift under the queen’s stone-ice glare, she continues, “And even if Sansa had wanted revenge for her family, he wouldn’t have helped her. He hated Joffrey, the queen, and you, my lord, but he always talked about how Lannisters must place themselves and each other above anyone else.”

Shaking her head, she concludes, “I wasn’t just Sansa’s maid. I was his whore.”

“Shae, please, don’t,” he begs with such a look of heartbreak on his face.

“Silence,” Tywin Lannister orders.

What do you think I’m going to say, she wonders of Tyrion. After what I’ve already said, do you think that I’m going to help them kill you, now, or do you just not want your cruelness exposed to the kingdom?

After what you did to me, be grateful I’m only tumbling down the illusion of you being kind and a friend to the downtrodden that you’ve worked so hard to create. It might even just save your life.

“I did everything he wanted. I would wait in his chamber for hours so he could use me when he was bored.”

The Dornish man, Oberyn, speaks up, “And was he unsatisfactory?”

After silence is restored, she answers, “I loved him. It was stupid of me, I know. I should have taken his money after the war and left. But instead, I called him ‘my lion’, took his face in my hands, and said, ‘I am yours, and you are mine.’ When he married Sansa, he promised me that all he wanted was me and that I was his lady. And I shouldn’t have believed him, but he kept convincing me. Until the day of the king’s wedding, when he made it clear he was done with me. He wanted to have babies with Sansa. Part of it must have been her for herself, she’s got so much youth and beauty and is of highborn status, but- as I said, he always talked about his duty as a Lannister.”

Tywin Lannister looks at her with eyes promising terrible things. “And do you believe, that he might have thought killing King Joffrey was best for the family?”

Take this, and save yourself, a desperate part of her urges.

“No,” she answers. “Or I don’t know. Not like this. He’s smart, no one can deny. Cruel, too. I imagine, if he did plan such a thing, he and Sansa would already have living children. King Joffrey and his bride, and possibly even the younger prince and the princess, as well. So that there would be more options than just one young boy.”

Again, Oberyn speaks. “You love this man, yet, you hate him. You declare his innocence, or at least, his innocence in this matter, but you condemn him as he is. If I may, dear lady, why are you here?”

“I was brought here. Servants of the Lannisters, they refused to say whether they were acting under the queen or the hand, took me against my will, and I was told by someone I won’t name to testify against Tyrion or die.”

She carefully doesn’t look at either Cersei or Tywin but sees Oberyn is looking at them. Guards are called, Tywin Lannister’s booming voice fills the room, but in the end, Oberyn bids her, “If there’s more, please, continue.

“I don’t love him, anymore, your grace, and I will happily tell the whole world every bad thing I know about him. No threat is needed for that, just an opportunity. But I won’t take holy vows and lie, either. Your gods are not mine, but if any gods do exist- I would think very carefully about saying I was doing right by them when everything else says my actions are against them.”

…

In the dark cell, she hears someone approaching, and she clings desperately to the thought she’s had to rely on in the past, I am myself, and no matter what is done to me, that cannot be taken. I am myself.

The door opens.

_I cannot be taken away from me._

“My lady,” a vaguely familiar voice says.

Through the torchlight, she makes out Jaime Lannister. There’s a brief look of sympathy on his face when his eyes fall on her wounds and bruises, but he stays by the door.

“Normally, I only rescue maidens, but my little brother is quite insistent on leaving here with you.”

“Too bad for him, then,” she snaps. If this man tries to take her by force, she will claw and bite him. “I am done with him.”

He gives her an exasperated look, though, she thinks there might be some amusement in it, too. “Yes, fine, but surely, getting out of King’s Landing is more important at the moment. If a stroll is too much for you, I’ll carry you as gently as possible. A boat ride later, and once you’re both away from King’s Landing, I don’t care what you do, although, if you kill him, I’ll hunt you down.”

Seeing his point, she agrees, “Very well,” and carefully stands up.

…

“I was afraid Cersei would kill you.”

She’d take pleasure in him being stuffed inside a box while she’s merely confined to the cargo hold if not for the fact he can still talk and she has no way of shutting him up.

“Luckily, your brother prevented that.”

“No,” he says. “Before that. Shae, she’d found out about you. I know you believed we could fight my family together, but- I could never truly make you understand how dangerous they are. How dangerous they could be to _you_.”

Scoffing, she declares, “It doesn’t matter.” Sitting, she leans against the crate. “A long time ago, I decided that no man would ever make me cry. I don’t mean them beating me or worse. No one can stop tears, then. But no man was going to hurt my heart and make me cry. And if they did, I’d kill them. I won’t kill you, but I won’t be a fool, either. You made me cry, and I will never give you another opportunity to do it again.”

Remembering when they first met, she adds, “You wanting me to weep for you- congratulations, you got that, and you didn’t have to die for it.”

“Shae.”

“Don’t. You won’t talk your away out of this one, clever man. I’m no longer yours.”

“I’m still yours,” he replies. “I always will be.”

“That’s your problem, not mine. I don’t want you.”

…

“If you leave me alone, I’ll surely die,” he tells her.

Scoffing, she looks over at where Varys is waiting. “You have him.”

“We do share one thing in common, my lady.”

Looking back at him, she asks, “And what is that?”

“A desire for vengeance. I know you hate me, Shae, and I know how lucky I am that you didn’t- you could have condemned me as a committer of regicide and as a kinslayer. I made my choices, and your pain is my fault. Yet, I beg you to look closely in your heart: From what you know of me, even if I were just a cruel imp who had gotten tired of you, do you honestly believe I would have done so with that sort of cruelness if not for my family?”

No, she realises. He would have used his silver-tongue and other kinder tricks, though tricks they’d still be, on her. And because he’d made her fall in love with him, she knows with a sickness she hates, he very well could have talked her out of his life but not her love.

Still, she’s already escaped death from the Lannisters, once. She’s scarred, now, and there’s always a chance someone will recognise and go after her in an attempt to gain rewards from the Lannisters. To put herself in even further danger, and with him thinking he might worm his way back into her body and good graces-

“I want a bath and some decent food,” she announces. “And right now, staying with you is the best and fastest way to get that. After I’m clean, full, and have had a decent sleep, I’ll think about it and give you my answer.”

“Thank you,” he breathes out.

…

I’d be a fool, she thinks.

Sometimes, it’s best to acknowledge someone has gained a victory over you and move on with life, she knows. A whore and a dwarf have no chance of destroying such an old, powerful family.

Again, Sansa pops into her head.

_That poor girl, she’s suffered so much. If she is somewhere safe, how long will she continue to be?_

She can admit the Lannisters have hurt Sansa more than they have her.

Sighing, she finally allows herself to think of Tyrion.

There was a time she knew he loved her, and some part of her still persists in believing it.

Even if he doesn’t, however, the rage she feels at the thought of him being shunned and tormented by his own family, made to feel less, and even put in danger by them- the rage has been building since shortly after she met him.

The thoughts and feelings wrestle on-and-on, until finally, a sense of calm falls over her.

She finds Tyrion.

He smiles at her, and she can almost believe she’s still beautiful and he’s still her faithful, adoring lion.

“For Sansa’s sake, and because, I don’t like families such as yours who destroy lives without a care or thought, I will help you,” she tells him. “But I am nobody’s but my own. Who I share my bed with, how often, and how many, it would be foolish of you to comment or try to interfere. I don’t care who you share yours with, either. We can spare your brother and the two children, but you need to be strong and go after everyone else fighting in the Lannister name.”

“Deal,” he agrees. He offers his hand.

She kneels down, looks him in the eye, and shakes it. “Deal.”


End file.
